Finding Hope After Church Trauma
By: Ryan and Kristine Ponten
“Our life is full of brokenness - broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives?” Henri Nouwen
When we were college kids, we were heavily involved at a megachurch that began to collapse in 2014 due to a system that one prominent pastor referred to as “the most abusive, coercive ministry culture I’ve ever been involved with.” Needless to say, this had a major impact on our lives as we navigated milestones such as early marriage and career beginnings. We are still unpacking the physical, emotional, and spiritual scars from this experience, but we can honestly say that God has been slowly but surely healing us and drawing us towards hope.
Since then, the one common way we’ve witnessed God’s faithfulness is through the people he has put on our path since then. For a while, we had some trepidation surrounding any church community, but the people we encountered gave us glimpses of God’s character in ways we didn’t expect. It is difficult to fully capture this process in words; especially because healing seems to happen in spurts over long periods of time, so there is no predictable formula. However, there are two key relational values that stand out as we consider the moments we’ve witnessed healing:
Invitation to vulnerability instead of performance
Patient friendship
Invitation to vulnerability instead of performance
“In my own life I well know how hard it is for me to trust that I am loved, and to trust that the intimacy I most crave is there for me. I most often live as if I have to earn love, do something noteworthy, and then perhaps I might get something in return… Do I really believe that I am loved first, independent of what I do or accomplish? This is an important question because as long as I think that what I most need I have to earn, deserve, and collect by hard work. I will never get what I most need and desire, which is a love that cannot be earned, but that is freely given. Thus, my return is my willingness to renounce such thoughts and to choose to live more and more from my true identity as a cherished child of God.” Henri Nouwen.
Despite the fact that its leaders would emphatically deny this, there was a clear worship of charisma in the abusive church we attended. In addition, we learned early on that our value as church members/volunteers/friends was at least partially based on our ability to perform for the church. After leaving this church, it became clear over time that we were not being formed into people defined at their core as “loved by God”. Instead, it was a definition along the lines of: “you are fundamentally broken, and if you see that, and change, you can become important”.
We are learning now that because of this experience, we often default to a good churchgoing performance when we find a church community. Unconsciously, there is an instinct to offer an extreme amount of our time and energy, as if we think that earns belonging. To unlearn this, we’ve attempted to reconnect with the heartbeat of our faith: that we are deeply loved by God. This has been easier said than done, but we have found that our willingness to remain in a community grows stronger when the pressure to perform weakens.
It sounds so simple, but the truth is that the foundation for healing and returning to church community has been rediscovering that God loves us, and he also loves our neighbor. Therefore, shouldn’t we seek out healing within community, and attempt to provide healing to others?
Patient friendship
“Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories that God makes himself known to each of us.” Frederick Buechner
It is common for us to primarily feel shame when we think about or talk about our history in an abusive church. Shame that we were foolish enough to be drawn into that ministry and that we in turn perpetuated a harmful ministry culture. This baggage is usually carried into potential friendships within church, where intrusive thoughts emerge, such as “what will they think when we share our church history?” or “will they get tired of our church frustrations and inability to grow?”
In spite of this struggle, we have found ourselves drawn to several church communities who have surprised us with genuine hospitality. We have found healing in these spaces when people simply offer the gift of their patient presence. We found this in a small group in Tennessee, where a couple who led our group simply offered their time to listen to us vent and get to know us without any pressure to provide anything back. We have found this through friends that have experienced similar church trauma and want to process the future with us. We have found this through friendships in New York, where for the first time we felt real hope that a community could provide safe rest for our burnout while also existing for more than itself.
We are slowly learning that oftentimes God shows his faithfulness by answering our fears with people who fight them alongside us, and are willing to stay in the fight whether it seems we are growing or stagnating. We are grateful to every person God has placed in our path who reminded us that we are children of God, and we hope to follow in their footsteps in providing spaces for others to heal as well.
Looking Ahead
Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, ‘How can we hide our wounds?’ so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but ‘How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?’” Henri Nouwen
There is not a great way to end this post as we are in no way fully healed. I think one thing we’ve learned in attempting to be known in community is that healing is not linear. With that being said, I think for the first time in a long time, we have hope for healthy boundaries in new church communities and we have courage to be vulnerable in safe spaces. We will strive to do the least amount of harm, looking to Jesus as our true north. We will strive to show up - albeit imperfectly - seeking and giving forgiveness to those we encounter in our everyday lives.
All of these hopes represent a domino effect from someone in our past who was brave to be vulnerable with us, who was patient in our healing, who did their very best to reflect the character of God, and what other option do we have, but to attempt to do likewise?
Having Hope at the Intersection of Spiritual and Mental Health
By: Rachel Wahba-Dunkley
Being a Christian on good days is easy - we’re able to see God’s goodness, love, and protection easily. We’re walking on the glory cloud, smiling at everyone, and praying steadily throughout the day without ceasing. What we don’t talk about as much, and we probably need to, is our hard days. These are the days where we know God is good but we don’t feel it, our prayers seem to go unanswered, and our hope is dwindling. It’s on these days that all the cliche Christian responses hurt the most:
“You just need to pray more”
“Have more faith, then God will listen”
“Maybe God is punishing you”
Newsflash - these phrases don’t actually help. They put pressure on you to be or do “more” than what you’re already doing. When you’re already down, the last thing you need to feel is more pressure and blame for why you’re down. And while well-meaning people say these cliche phrases with love, they’re not actually helping at all.
So what would help? Great question! Here are three ways to have hope during a tough season:
Self-care
Community
Prayer
Self-care
Self-care is the practice of meeting your needs and taking care of yourself holistically. We’re complex beings, so that means taking care of all our wellness areas - physical, spiritual, emotional, mental, financial, social, etc. It’s things like: being in community, praying, napping, staying hydrated, stretching and moving your body, journaling, crying, etc. Jesus himself practiced self-care, so we probably should too! (Mark 6:30-32, Luke 5:16, John 11:35). When we practice self-care, we’re able to deal with difficult seasons better. When we don’t practice self-care, we get overwhelmed and exhausted, which makes difficult seasons even more difficult. Think of your wellness like a mountain - the stronger your wellness mountain is, the more it can deal with the dents of hard, stressful seasons and have the energy to manage the curveballs.
During the hard season, you may not be able to do all the self-care things, and that’s okay. Do the ones that are manageable at that time and ask for help with the rest. Having a hard time washing the dishes? Ask for a friend to come over and help. Can’t make it to the gym? Do some cardio or stretching at home. Need professional support? Call a hotline or find a therapist. Do what’s in your capacity, and ask for support for everything else.
Community
In my opinion, community is one of the most powerful examples of God’s love and care for us. In community, we’re able to connect with other people and know that we’re not alone in whatever season or situation we’re experiencing. It’s powerful!
Healthy community allows us to be vulnerable with each other and get support. In a season where we can’t find hope, having a space where you can be honest, share what’s on your heart, and receive support from people who care about us is crucial. It can be tough at first to be honest and vulnerable, so remember that your community is there for you and they care. When we’re able to honestly share about what we're dealing with, they’ll be able to carry those burdens with you and pray with you about what you’re actually going through. The more they know, the more they can help and pray.
Prayer
Whether it’s your community praying for you or you’re praying for yourself, know that prayer is indeed powerful. When we're in difficult seasons, prayer tends to be one of the hardest things to do. You may be tired, hopeless, or even mad at Him (which He can handle!), and feeling like prayer won’t actually do anything. We may still know that God is good, but having a hard time believing that He cares, listens, or sees us (Mark 9:24). This would be a good time to remind yourself that God cares for you - He knows what you’re dealing with, how stressed you are, and that you may even be mad at Him, and He still wants to hear from you.
Spending time in prayer helps you get everything off your chest and puts your worries into the hands of our Heavenly Father. You’ll receive His comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) as you cry out to Him. The less worry in your hand, the more He’s got and will manage for you. And thankfully, He doesn’t get annoyed with how much help we need, so pray often during the tough time (1 Thessalonians 5:17), knowing that He loves to hear from you.
God knows we’ll have moments of difficulty in this life (John 16:33). While we wait for the miracle to happen or the storm to pass, He gives us His presence in the form of care, community, and prayer to help us get through. You deserve to get the care and support you need.
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